TLAP: Mash Gang Chug IPA

Another inspiration-free day, another alcohol-free ale review. Sigh.

Mash Gang Chug IPA

What's it like? The Mash Gang website describes this IPA as juicy, tropical and zesty. To their credit, it is all of those things. It comes in a funky-looking can with a welcome humorous touch (see how the beer leaks between the skeleton's ribs), is acceptably priced (just about), and has a hipper-than-thou yet ironic name (the irony being you can chug as much of this as you like without falling down). And it tastes genuinely nice, and is quenching. Trouble is, like a lot of other low/no IPAs (Atlantic's Run Wild being a case in point), without the visual reinforcement of seeing it in a glass you'd be hard-pressed to know you were drinking a beer. I'm not sure if this is a problem or not, but it might make you rethink the cost when compared to regular soft drinks.

Would I drink it in a pub? Yes.

Would I drink more than one? Maybe.

Would I drink it all night? Probably not.

Stats: 0.5% ABV. Calories 15 kcal/100ml. Currently £8.99 for 4x 330ml cans, direct from Chug Gang

Stars: ★★★⯪☆

A song to end, as usual. Mash Gang gives "mash", which gives "M*A*S*H", which gives the cover of Theme from M*A*S*H (Suicide Is Painless) by Manic Street Preachers.

TLAP: St Peter's Without Original

Kickstarting the month with another drab alcohol-free ale review. Sorry.

St Peter's Without Original

What's it like? This comes from the Suffolk-based St Peter's brewery and, like many of their ales, comes in a vaguely medicinal bottle that wouldn't look out of place in a Victorian apothecary. Unfortunately for this reviewer, at least, their alcohol-free "Without Original" offering tasted vaguely medicinal too - it's just so excessively malty. If you like that, good for you, but this felt like a chore to drink. It's also quite sticky on the lips, which suggests a lot of sugar, though the maltiness overpowers the sweetness. They do a "Without Organic Pale Ale" and a "Without Gold" too, and maybe they're nicer, but this "Original" is not for me, sorry.

Would I drink it in a pub? No.

Would I drink more than one? No.

Would I drink it all night? No.

Stats: 0.0% ABV. Calories 26 kcal/100ml (markedly higher than most ales featured in this series). Currently £15.95 for 8x 500ml bottles, direct from St Peter's Brewery

Stars: ★★☆☆☆

A song to end, as usual. I guess it's hard to look much beyond Nilsson and Without You, but we've all heard that a million times. So here's Harry with a slightly different take, that might be new to you.

TLAP: Athletic Run Wild IPA

Here we go with another worthless alcohol-free ale review. God help us all.

Athletic Run Wild IPA

What's it like? I had high hopes for this. After all, the Athletic Brewing Company website is keen to highlight how many awards it has won. And you know what? It's alright. Not stellar, not offensive, but alright. It has a hint of generic citrus to it, but I was expecting a little more hoppiness for what is marketed as an IPA. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned. Biggest problem though is common to a lot of low and alcohol-free beers: would you even know you were drinking an ale, if not for the visual reinforcement of seeing it in a glass? I drank this straight from a can, heathen that I am, and was grateful for the label to tell me what I was having.

Would I drink it in a pub? Yes.

Would I drink more than one? Maybe.

Would I drink it all night? Probably not.

Stats: 0.5% ABV. Calories 17 kcal/100ml. Currently £5 for 4x 330ml cans, from Tesco

Stars: ★★★⯪☆

A song to end, as usual. Should I go with athletic or running wild? How about both? This is Wild Wolves by Athlete and it's quite like the ale: inoffensive, serviceable but a bit anodyne. Sorry.

TLAP: Theakston Nowt Peculier

Sigh: yet another pointless alcohol-free ale review. Don't worry, there won't be too many more of these.

Theakston Nowt Peculier

What's it like? Aside from winning the prize for best pun name for an alcohol-free version of an established ale, this is actually alright. It's a 0.0% version of the well-established Old Peculier and, unlike some other AF clones of well-loved beers, pulls off the dealcoholising trick without losing the identifiable taste of the source brand. The result is a rich, dark, fruity ale that isn't too sweet and slips down quite nicely. Whisper it quietly but I think I prefer it to Old Peculier.

Would I drink it in a pub? Yes.

Would I drink more than one? Yes.

Would I drink it all night? Possibly.

Stats: 0.0% ABV. Calories 26 kcal/100ml. Currently £2.25 for a 500ml bottle, from Sainsbury's

Stars: ★★★★☆

A song, then, for a rich and peculier brew. Only one choice, I guess, from a band with Yorkshire roots (just like the brewery).

TLAP: Bear Island Noughty Bear 0.5% IPA

Sigh: another pointless alcohol-free ale review. Anyway, there I was, in a lovely country pub in my old stomping ground, looking for something light to accompany dinner. Behold!

Bear Island Noughty Bear 0.5% IPA

What's it like? Bear Island is the umbrella name given by esteemed Faversham brewery Shepherd Neame to all their alcohol-free offerings, with Noughty Bear (see what they did there?) being their IPA. I was a little tentative, as I haven't always got on too well with some Shepherd Neame ales, despite being a Man of Kent myself. And I was sort of right to be cautious; whilst the tasting notes claimed "the taste of sweet mangos, hints of passion fruit and tart grapefruit", frankly I struggled to detect too much of them. And it's a very dry ale, if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong, it was inoffensive, and whilst I clearly liked it enough to have two, that was mostly because I was just very thirsty. It's alright, but it won't win prizes.

Would I drink it in a pub? Yes.

Would I drink more than one? At a push.

Would I drink it all night? No, it's too dry.

Stats: 0.5% ABV. Calories 21 kcal/100ml. Currently £20 for twelve 330ml bottles, direct from Shepherd Neame

Stars: ★★★⯪☆

A song, then, to keep my last half dozen readers coming back. Should I go with "nought" or "bear"? How about Bear by The Antlers? All together now, "We're too old. We're not old, old at all. Just too old..."

TLAP: Big Drop Brewing Co. Pine Trail Pale Ale

Sorry, I've got naff-all else to write, so here's another alcohol-free ale review. You know how the story starts, of course. Me, in a boutique hotel bar, asking more in hope than expectation if they have any low- or no-alcohol bitter. They had two, one of which I'd had before, so I ordered the other one, which was...

Big Drop Brewing Co. Pine Trail Pale Ale

What's it like? I've featured Big Drop's AF IPA before, and rated it highly, only bemoaning the fact that I sort of forgot I was having a beer. It's the same with this pale ale. It goes down very easily indeed, and has a hint of lime that made it doubly refreshing for the weary cyclist. If you're looking for a strong bitter taste, you might need to look elsewhere. Ditto if you're cash-strapped, as I was charged £5.75 for a 330ml bottle (but then that might have been down to my pretentious surroundings). That said, this ticks plenty of boxes, and I can easily envisage quaffing several on a hot summer's evening.

Would I drink it in a pub? Yes.

Would I drink more than one? Yes.

Would I drink it all night? Possibly (in a cheaper pub).

Stats: 0.5% ABV. Calories 18.5 kcal/100ml. Currently £24.99 for a dozen at Big Drop Brewing Co.'s Amazon store

Stars: ★★★★☆

There's only one song to feature for a pale ale, right? Trouble is, I couldn't decide whether to go for the Velvet Underground original or REM's cover. Bollocks to it, have both.

If I could only keep one of those, I'd take REM's version. I know that's probably heresy, but I don't care.

TLAP: Doom Bar Zero

You know the drill by know: a beer was required to accompany a Friday night pizza. Alcohol was not required. Hence...

Doom Bar Zero

What's it like? This hits the spot pretty well, an amber ale that looks, smells and tastes right. I've talked on here before about the risks of trying to neuter an existing beer but Sharp's have done a good job, replicating the taste of their very successful Doom Bar, whilst removing the headache factor. What of the taste then? The brewery website describes it as "subtle yet complex" so make of that what you will. All I can tell you is that it's a bit fruity, quite moreish and, if you like Doom Bar, this is close enough for you to like too.

Would I drink it in a pub? Yes.

Would I drink more than one? Yes.

Would I drink it all night? Probably.

Stats: 0.0% ABV. Calories 13 kcal/100ml. Currently £2.25 a pop at Sainsbury's

Stars: ★★★★☆

A song, then. Obviously it's going to be Gay Bar by Electric Six, for the child's play rewording that would enable you to sing "Doom Bar" should you feel so inclined. Plus it has a typically barking video, so win-win.

TLAP: Brewdog Punk AF

Thought I'd better hurry up and review this one, in case it disappears from sight given Brewdog's much-publicised financial collapse (and utter shafting of their "Equity for Punks" small investors...)

Brewdog Punk AF

What's it like? You can see what they've done with the name there - it's alcohol-free (actually 0.5%), but also Punk AF! And that's all well and good, but what's it like to drink? Well, it majors on citrus notes (grapefruit?) but minors on tasting like an ale. Don't get me wrong, it's entirely pleasant and genuinely quite refreshing, but it struck me, half-way through, that I didn't really feel like I was drinking a beer. And that's a problem, given that this is marketed as an IPA. The fact that I was drinking it straight from the can, and so didn't have the visual reinforcement, probably didn't help. But I just felt like I was drinking a nice, light, refreshing soft drink... which makes you start to question the price, and your life choices. Or is that just me?

Would I drink it in a pub? Yes.

Would I drink more than one? Probably.

Would I drink it all night? No.

Stats: 0.5% ABV. Calories 15 kcal/100ml. Currently £5 for 4 x 330ml cans in Sainsbury's

Stars: ★★★☆☆

Does sort of feel like Brewdog missed a trick not licensing Do The Dog for use in their ads. No wonder they went bust...

TLAP: St Austell Proper Job IPA 0.5%

You know how it is, by now. I found myself in the supermarket, looking for an ale to accompany that evening's pizza and film combo. A familiar name hoved into view...

St Austell Proper Job IPA 0.5%

What's it like? In recent TLAP posts, I've talked about the difficulty in trying to make an alcohol-free version of an existing, well-loved ale - it can be very hard, as Adnams have found with their 0.5% Ghost Ship. Fortunately, though, Cornwall's St Austell Brewery have shown that this alchemy is not impossible, with their 0.5% IPA. Genuinely, if I hadn't looked at the label (and, let's be honest, bought it), I would not have known I wasn't drinking the real McCoy. It completely looks, smells and tastes the part. Speaking of taste, there are subtle citrus and grapefruit notes in this... but primarily you get lovely light, clean hoppiness and a nice bite in a very easy-drinking package.

Bottom line - St Austell have, fortunately given the name, made a proper job of this.

Would I drink it in a pub? Yes.

Would I drink more than one? Yes.

Would I drink it all night? Yes.

Stats: 0.5% ABV. Calories 21 kcal/100ml. Currently £1.95 for a 500ml bottle in Sainsbury's

Stars: ★★★★★

As usual then, a song. What to post for a "proper job"? Some live Johnny Marr, of course, here doing The Right Thing Right.

TLAP: Big Drop Brewing Co. Paradiso Citra IPA

There I was, propping up the bar in a hipper-than-thou boutique hotel, asking more in hope than expectation whether they had any alcohol-free ales. They had two! And this was one...

Big Drop Brewing Co. Paradiso Citra IPA

I wrote in my last TLAP post how much the world of alcohol-free ale has moved on the in the last ten years, and here is a great example. It's not a slavish attempt to mimic an existing bitter but remove the alcohol, no, this is a fresh brew in its own right. And it's bloody lovely. Citra gives the hops away, and there's a lovely fresh citrus taste in every mouthful - always present but never overpowering. My only slight bug bear is that at one point I forgot I was drinking an ale - it could almost have been a regular soft drink, so what's the point? But then, what's the point in being alive? Beats me, we're stuck with it, I suppose. Anyway, Big Drop Brewing's slogan is "beer so good, you won't miss the alcohol" which is not catchy but, fortunately, turns out to be accurate in this case.

Would I drink it in a pub? Yes.

Would I drink more than one? Yes.

Would I drink it all night? Yes, unless I was in the boutique hotel bar all evening, in which case I might start to baulk at the £5.75 they charged me for a 330ml bottle...

Stats: 0.5% ABV. Calories 11 kcal/330ml. Currently unavailable in Big Drop Brewing Co.'s Amazon store

Stars: ★★★★☆

Finding a song for this post was tricky. I was going to choose Lemon by U2, for the ale's citrus undertone but, you know, U2 raise antibodies, don't they? Instead, I've gone for some Crowded House; this song contains the line "Ready or not, here comes the drop" which, if nothing else, links (very) loosely to the brewery. QED

TLAP: Adnams Ghost Ship 0.5%

I found myself in the supermarket last Friday, looking for an ale to accompany the evening's pizza and film combo. A familiar name hoved into view.

Adnams Ghost Ship 0.5%

What's it like? I'll say this as someone who, as an inhabitant of East Anglia, has consumed and enjoyed quite a lot of the regular Ghost Ship from Southwold's Adnams brewery, and that's a decent beer. I had high hopes for this, then, but regret to say I was a little bit disappointed. The original majors on hops and citrus notes, and this tries... but it just doesn't taste quite as nice. To your reviewer, it also seemed a little bit too gassy.

Don't get me wrong, this is good enough, and ten years ago would have been a class-leading ale, but the world of alcohol-free beer has moved on, and this has been surpassed, in my view.

Would I drink it in a pub? Yes.

Would I drink more than one? No, there are other, tastier ales on offer.

Would I drink it all night? No, I think the slight over-gassiness would be a problem.

Stats: 0.5% ABV. Calories 60 kcal/500ml. Currently £1.75 for a 500ml cans in Waitrose

Stars: ★★★☆☆

As usual then, a song. I've posted Ghost Town by The Specials often on this blog, so here's something else, Ghost by Such Small Hands, aka Melanie Howard. I've posted this before too, but I love her voice so indulge me...

TLAP: Guinness 0.0

On a recent pub visit, I asked the corkscrew-haired, indie-chick barmaid if she had Guinness 0.0 - she thought for a bit, disappeared from view, then came back with a can in her hand and said it was the last one they had left. Lucky me...

Guinness 0.0

What's it like? I'll be honest, I'm not the most frequent drinker of the black stuff, so maybe I'm not best placed to judge... but as far as I can tell, this looks like regular Guinness, feels like regular Guinness and tastes like regular Guinness. I'm not sure I could easily tell the difference, and what more could anyone ask from an alcohol-free beer? On top of that, it's tasty too. As with regular Guinness, it takes the first inch of the pint for me to get acclimatised, but after that I'm off and running.

Would I drink it in a pub? Yes.

Would I drink more than one? Yes. It's a creamy, tasty pint!

Would I drink it all night? Possibly not, but only because Guinness can be quite heavy, so I might need some variety.

Stats: 0.0% ABV. Calories 85 kcal/500ml. Fat free! Currently £13.25 for a 10x440ml cans in Sainsbury's

Stars: ★★★★★

So, a song. I was going to go with Zero by The Donnas, but the Imagine Dragons song of the same name gets the nod, not least for its unusual video and deceptively heavy lyrics.

TLAP: Erdinger Alkoholfrei

I went to the pub at the weekend, for a friend's birthday drinks. It was cold and icy, and I cycled, so it seemed like a good time to further my exploration of alcohol-free ales. I asked the corkscrew-haired, indie-chick barmaid if she had any 0% options - she thought for a bit, disappeared from view, then came back with a bottle in her hand and said this was probably the nearest thing she had. That was good enough for me...

Erdinger Alkoholfrei

What's it like? Blatantly advertised by its German makers as a post-sport isotonic drink (really!), this is actually a wheat beer that is brewed according to Bavarian Purity Law, apparently. It's clear, straw-yellow, and pours with a big head. It smells quite yeasty, to my nose at least, and is quite refreshing in a way, but mostly it is just very malty (which is not necessarily to my taste) and surprisingly gassy.

Would I drink it in a pub? Well, I did, so...

Would I drink more than one? Probably not. It's alright but a bit too malty for me. Your mileage may vary.

Would I drink it all night? No (see above).

Stats: <0.5% ABV. Calories 125 kcal/500ml. Sugar 18g/500ml. Contains vitamins B9, B12 and polyphenols. Currently £2 for a 500ml bottle in Tesco

Stars: ★★★☆☆

So, a song, In honour of Erdinger's Bavarian roots, this is Mexico by Munich's The Capitols. What popular music needs is more recorder middle eights, right?

TLAP: Lucky Saint Hazy IPA

And so begins a new series I shall be calling "Two Light Ales Please", in reference to the placard from the final Smiths gig.

I made my first website, back in the days before blogging, thirty years ago this year. HTML was (and still is) easy to learn, Geocities (kids, ask your parents) provided free hosting, throw in some webrings to generate traffic (kids, ask your parents) and then all you had to contend with was slow uploading via nascent dial-up connections (kids, ask your - oh, you get the idea). One of the first webpages I wrote was a guide to real ales - I set myself a target of drinking 100 different bitters during the course of the year, then gave each a star-rating and a one-line write-up, and posted the whole thing online. In the end I'd hit the 100 before the end of September, such was the frequency with which The Man Of Cheese and I went to the pub in those days.

Thirty years... doesn't seem possible... sigh.

Anyway, times change, and trips to the pub become less frequent (and less bacchanalian). I still like a pint, though. And something I've noticed, as I get older and allegedly more sensible, is that alcohol-free offerings are far more plentiful than they were in my youth. At least they are if you drink lager ... 0% bitters are much rarer. And they're a mixed bag, in my experience, to say the least. So, to mark the 30th anniversary of my original online ale guide, this year I will be sampling alcohol-free ales and reviewing them here. I know, I know, no-one cares ... but then that's never stopped me blogging anything else, has it? Here we go, then: a very short write-up, some basic yes/no questions and, for old time's sake, a star rating.

Lucky Saint Hazy IPA

What's it like? Fruity! Maybe grapefruity, but certainly fruity. Lightish in colour and a little hazy, as the name suggests. Pours nicely but not gassy, thank goodness. Light on the palate, this is a proper IPA that looks and taste like the real thing, albeit a newfangled real thing rather than an old-school real ale sort of real thing. Don't worry, I'll be getting to those.

Would I drink it in a pub? Yes, happily.

Would I drink more than one? Yes. It's nice!

Would I drink it all night? No, that would be too much fruitiness.

Stats: 0.5% ABV. Calories 59 kcal/can. Zero Sugar. Suitable for Vegans. Currently on offer at £5 for 4 x 330ml cans in Waitrose (no, I haven't forgotten my roots, they just have a far wider selection of alcohol-free bitters than any other supermarket in my catchment area)

Stars: ★★★★☆

I'll wrap up each review with a loosely relevant song since, let's be honest, that's what most of you come here for. For Hazy IPA, here's The Bangles covering Simon & Garfunkel's Hazy Shade of Winter, and not just because I've been smitten with Susanna (obligatory sigh) for even more than 30 years...