Don't call this a comeback

So, Abba have recorded some new material, Here's a clip from BBC News discussing it, that'll make you either warm to Lizo Mzimba more or want to give him a shake:

Anyhow, the news that two new Abba songs have been recorded will fill fans with joy. The news that they are embarking on an "avatar tour" (i.e. no actual embarking will be required) will do likewise. Critics and music snobs will sneer, deriding both as a cynical cash-in and pouring scorn on the music, labelling it kitsch, or lame, or clichéd, or all of the above. I won't be going to the avatar tour, but I will be listening out for those two new songs. They really had something, those four: Benny and Björn knew their way around a tune better than just about anyone, and Agnetha and Frida's harmonies, oft-imitated but seldom bettered, still sound fresh. Everyone knows and loves (even openly, or grudgingly) break-up masterclass The Winner Takes It All, but from 1976 (i.e. before they started actually breaking up with each other), here's another slice of melodic heartbreak that you might not be so familiar with. (Note how Agnetha is clearly straining to hear the start of the backing track for this mimed performance on Polish TV - she doesn't want to miss her cue, Gene Pitney style.)

P.S. The title for this post comes Mama Said Knock You Out, from the none-less-Abba LL Cool J. That's a good song too.

Helter ... Skelton

Last month, I sat down to watch a bit of biennial charity panjandrum Sport Relief on the Beeb. I was particularly keen to watch the celebrity boxing, as they hadn't run that for a good while.

The men's bout was between retired pro footballer Wayne Bridge and a reality star I'd never heard of (Spencer Matthews), and was a proper tear-up. Matthews had boxed before, and it showed, but Bridge was stronger, had trained harder and was much, much fitter. He was a clear and deserving winner.

The second women's bout was between Hannah Spearitt (yes, her out of S Club 7) and Vanessa White (yes, her out of The Saturdays). There wasn't too much in that, to be honest, though you might argue that youth told, with White the clear winner. Neither looked like much of a boxer but they gave it a good go, and hey, getting hit in the face for charity - fair play to them both.

But the first women's bout, between former Blue Peter presenter Helen Skelton and another reality star, Camilla Thurlow, was, like the men's bout, a proper contest. Both women had clearly trained hard and it showed, in terms of basic technique and also cardiovascular fitness. But only one looked like a boxer, in terms of how she moved and, in particular, how she snapped out an excellent jab. It will have come as no surprise to anyone who remembered Helen's past Sport Relief endeavours (solo kayaking the length of the Amazon, and setting a load of records in the process, and tightrope-walking between the towers of Battersea Power Station) to see Skelton triumph in clear and unanimous fashion. She was, it must be said, pretty awesome.

And my point with all this? Just like, last month, I started (and then couldn't stop) deliberately mis-singing the lyrics of Soft Cell's Bedsitter, now I'm re-writing the chorus of an old Beatles number. All together now, Helen Skelton, bah dah dah dah da-da-dah, Helen Skelton....

Donate to Sport Relief here, if you like.

Overlooked

Unfairly but understandably, Cinerama were often overlooked by a large proportion of Wedding Present fans who just wanted Gedge to get back to doing what he's always done best - laying kitchen sink heartbreak over jangly guitars. For a long time, I was part of that large proportion; I could appreciate the Cinerama recordings but I pined for what had gone before.

Eventually, I came to realise that Gedge was still doing what he did best - the kitchen sink heartbreak - but was just painting it on a different musical canvas.

Don't get me wrong, I will always choose TWP over Cinerama, but that doesn't mean the latter isn't great. I mean - just have a listen to this:

Increase the amount of Cinerama in your life here.

Fantasy Cover Version #15 - if Liam Gallagher covered "Arnold Layne"...

A blog series that you can contribute to...(please)...

Here's the gist. I want to hear about your fantasy cover versions. Simply make the case for the cover version that you'd love to hear but, fairly obviously, does not actually exist. And send me that case, here. By case, I mean explain why artist X covering song Y would be good, don't just send me their respective names.

In the continued absence of any new suggestions from readers, the fifteenth contributor to this series is me, again. Sorry. With pre-emptive apologies to Rol for the Oasis content...

After hearing it used over the closing credits of an episode of Electric Dreams, I went looking for the full version of Octopus by Syd Barrett and ended up listening to a fair bit of early Pink Floyd too. This, as regular readers might have already guessed, is not my usual bag. But it did occur to me, whilst listening to the Floyd's debut single, that it might be well suited to someone else who isn't my usual bag either. From 1967, here's Arnold Layne by Pink Floyd, written by the crazy diamond himself, Syd Barrett.

Not pictured: inflatable pigs, marching hammers

Now I'm no fan of the mono-browed Mancunian chancer but is is just me that can imagine Liam Gallagher, in full on "sunshiiiiine" mode, singing about Arnold Layne (or Layyyyyyne, perhaps)?

Sunshine boy

And the lyrics ("Moonshine, washing line" and "See through, baby blue") would fit well, I think, with the moon, June and coffee spoons approach of a Liam lyric (or an unassisted Liam lyric, at least).

Moon, June, coffee spoon

So hear I am, advocating a cover by someone I don't much like, of a unrepresentative track by a band I'm not fussed about. Surprise! But I think it would work. What about you?

Think you can suggest a fantasy cover version this good (he said, modestly)? Then please, try your luck and remember - the more you make the case, the better! The list of past submissions may inspire you.

The prof's off

I'm not an Arsenal fan but my old man's a Gooner, so I always look out for their results and want them to do well. They're currently sixth (albeit a distant sixth) in the Premier League, and into the semi-final of the Europa League (which offers a route back into the lucrative Champions' League for the winner). But all that, and 22 years of service, is not enough to save Arsène Wenger who, I have just read, will be leaving the Gunners at the end of the season, a year before his contract is due to end.

This makes me sad for a number of reasons; firstly, I don't like to see anyone who is competent and successful and long-serving be rewarded with the sack; secondly, Arsène brought a philosophy and a style of play to English football that was much needed, and subsequently much imitated; thirdly, this poly-lingual and deep-thinking man also brought some culture and intelligence to the domestic game, a game where most players and pundits struggle with adverbs; and finally, Piers Morgan wanted Wenger out, which is always a reason for wanting him to stay, in my book.

No-one comes to this blog for sports reportage, so I'll keep this brief and (somehow) try to limit the footy content, but here are some clips for Arsène (and my dad). I think, like Man U after Fergie left, Arsenal can expect things to get worse before they start to get better.

About the cold earth

Since you ask, Frank...

Resisting the temptation to write about Syria, and Trump's playground posturing, because, well ... there's enough coverage of that already.

So instead, I'm going to pretend I'm on Room 101 and the always-excellent Frank Skinner is asking me what I'd condemn. And so, in no particular order and with as little exposition as possible, these are some things I could do without:

• People applauding themselves on television shows
• Saying "I'm good" when asked how they are, instead of "I'm well" or "I'm fine" or something else less linguistically shoddy (I do this myself sometimes, and ratchet up my self-loathing every time)
• Tattoos. Enough with tattoos. It'll be no good asking the NHS for laser removal in twenty years time.
• Hugs that are not hugs

To continue the Room 101 theme, here's Frank talking to Richard Ayoade, just because.

Fantasy Cover Version #14 - if Morrissey covered "Perfect"...

A blog series that you can contribute to...

Here's the gist. I want to hear about your fantasy cover versions. Simply make the case for the cover version that you'd love to hear but, fairly obviously, does not actually exist. And send me that case, here. By case, I mean explain why artist X covering song Y would be good, don't just send me their respective names.

Our fourteenth contributor is Rigid Digit, who suggests an entirely plausible cover with an even more plausible backstory. Rigid Digit writes:

Wanting to re-live the early 90s, and to wind up Boz Boorer, and not content with knackering (or improving upon, depends which day it is) The Jam's That's Entertainment, Professional Grump and Wind Up Merchant calls Mark E Nevin back to his band.

The least knackered version I could find

Aware that Nevin has been trying to distance himself from his biggest hit, Moz walks into the studio and announces: "We're doing Perfect, and I've locked the door so no-one is leaving".

Nevin's biggest hit

27 takes later, a damn near perfect Billy Fury intoned, heavy rock-a-billy-on-speed version is complete.

Rockabilly Moz

Now that is excellent. Morrissey, in the unlikely event that you're reading this (I know, hold on to your sides), go and cover this, right now! All together now, "I don't want half-hearted love affairs." Perfect, indeed.

Think you can suggest a fantasy cover version this good? Then please, try your luck and remember - the more you make the case, the better! The list of past submissions may inspire you.

Together in Electric Dreams

In the wake of Black Mirror's success, TV stations the world over scrambled for their own dystopian and/or speculative fiction series. Something to become the next boxset must-see. No doubt some of these series hit the mark. Others, like Netflix's Electric Dreams, ought to have done but somehow didn't. The pedigree - all based on Philip K. Dick stories - was there but something was amiss (and not just the abysmal title sequence, which feels like something that any half-decent 90s show would have rejected). I've watched a fair few of them (though not all, far from it), and can confirm that it's very hit and miss. A recurring problem seems to be that they are reaching for big stories, big messages, yet all in 60 minutes. Or 48, once you allow for adverts.

But there is one episode you must watch. It's from the first series (I will not call is Season 1) and stars Timothy Spall as downtrodden rail worker Ed. Called "The Commuter", it is set in present-day small-town England (Woking, as it goes) and ... well, I don't want give anything away but it is utterly excellent, managing to convey something quite powerful about love, loss, family, fear and fatherhood. Oh, and an ambiguous ending to boot. Yes, all in 48 minutes.

If you only watch one episode of Electric Dreams, make it this one. It's available right now, free and gratis, on Channel 4's catch-up service All4, right here. Hurry.

Fantasy Cover Version #13 - if Roger Whittaker covered "Supersonic"...

A blog series that you can contribute to...

Here's the gist. I want to hear about your fantasy cover versions. Simply make the case for the cover version that you'd love to hear but, fairly obviously, does not actually exist. And send me that case, here. By case, I mean explain why artist X covering song Y would be good, don't just send me their respective names.

Thirteenth guest Cassidy suggests something here that, at first, I thought might be an elaborate April Fool but then he sent it on the 31st March... and besides, once you start hearing this, it works its way into your head and becomes not just plausible but credible. See what you think. Cassidy writes:

This may be a little too close to FCV #12 but here goes... Many years ago, in the early days of Oasis, I was playing Supersonic on guitar.

When it came to the post chorus guitar riff instead of playing it on the guitar I started to whistle it. This immediately took me back to my childhood and the sound of Roger Whittaker's whistling.

And so for the next couple of hours I was Roger, singing, playing and whistling a variety of early Oasis songs. But none of them matched the magic of Supersonic. So that is my suggestion for FCV, Roger Whittaker covering Supersonic by Oasis.

As someone who appreciates a good whistle, this works for me. How about you? And thanks, Cassidy.

Think you can suggest a fantasy cover version this good? Then please, try your luck and remember - the more you make the case, the better! The list of past submissions may inspire you.

"I've seen you smile, but I've never really heard you laugh"

No jokes for April 1st this year, but these made me smile. A bit.

The source for this post's title, not that you need it.